Oz-tralian First Aid.

coastie99

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Errol and Mal are at a Sydney bar/bistro, guzzling beer, burping and farting, and carrying on in an uncouth manner, as is the Oz-tralian way of things.
At a table close by, there's an attractive blonde, alone, enjoying a meal of prawns. ( And I'd have to say that, for their manifest faults, Oz-tralians do prawns pretty bloody well, but I digress.)
Errol and Mal are paying her no attention ( which is strange, because your average Oz-tralian bloke wants to shag any sheila that's breathing, and there's probably a goodly-few who would shag any sheila who ISN'T breathing, but I digress. )
The blonde throws her knife and fork down and starts coughing and coughing and coughing. Now she's turning purple and gesturing wildly at her throat.
Errol notices this and says to Mal "Jeez mate, I think that sheila's choking on a prawn !"
As quick as a flash, Mal stands the blonde upright, and in one fluid motion, rips her trousers and knickers down to her ankles. Throwing her across the table, he thrusts his tongue into the cleft of her bum and gives her a big slurp.
Taken aback by this intrusion upon her, the blonde coughs the offending prawn fair across the room !
Errol's amazed !! "Jeez mate" he says. "You're a bloody hero, I reckon you saved that sheila"s life."
Mal is grinning from ear to ear. "Mate", he says, "I've always wanted to perform the Hind Lick Manoeuvre."
 

dreadnut

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oastie, I hope you play guitar as good as you tell jokes :lol:
 

coastie99

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Ah, unfortunately no, I don't. I'm pretty much a beginner.
I'm waiting for an Oz-tralian member (there must be at least one on here), to come at me with some sheep-shagger jokes. That's how we're unkindly referred to by Oz-tralians.
 

West R Lee

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Not to worry Coastie, with us here in Texas it's Bubba and the cow.

Ok, I've got one for you......hope it doesn't get me in trouble. And hope you know a little about American football.

Gay guy is standing at the bar and this huge burly guy comes in and stands next to him. Gay guy says "Hi".
Burly big guy says "Back off faggot, I don't play that queer stuff and am in no mood".
Gay guy says "My, My don't we have a temper".
Burly guy says "I'm not going to tell you again homo!"
Gay guy says "You know, with a temper like that, I'll bet you're good a Bar Room Superbowl?"
Burly guy says: "I'm not playing games with you".
Gay guy says: "What's the matter, are you scared?"
Big Burly says: I'm not scared of you or your kind, how do you play this sissy game of yours?"
Gay guy: "Goody Goody, well, you put a 6 pack of beer in front of you and drink all 6 as fast as you can, that's your touchdown. Then you pull your pants down, bend over and poot, that's your extra point. I'll go first!"
And he drinks the 6 and drops his drawers and farts. He declares "OK, there's my touchdown and there's my extra point. 7-0 your turn!"
Burly guy rips the top off the first beer, then the 2nd until he finishes the 6 pack. Drops his pants and bends over. Gay guy runs up behind him and with a mighty thrust declares....Block that point, block that point!
 

coastie99

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Well, West. That just might get you in the poo because, statistically, I figure there should be twenty-plus gays on our memberlist !! Probably the ones with those silly pointy things. (Guitars that is.)
Oh dear, now I'm in the poo for suggesting that silly-pointy-guitar owners might be gay !!
Any of you guys out there own a pink guitar ? (Would you admit it if you did ? )

Thoroughly hetero Coastie.
 

twocorgis

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coastie99 said:
Errol and Mal are at a Sydney bar/bistro, guzzling beer, burping and farting, and carrying on in an uncouth manner, as is the Oz-tralian way of things.
At a table close by, there's an attractive blonde, alone, enjoying a meal of prawns. ( And I'd have to say that, for their manifest faults, Oz-tralians do prawns pretty bloody well, but I digress.)
Errol and Mal are paying her no attention ( which is strange, because your average Oz-tralian bloke wants to shag any sheila that's breathing, and there's probably a goodly-few who would shag any sheila who ISN'T breathing, but I digress. )
The blonde throws her knife and fork down and starts coughing and coughing and coughing. Now she's turning purple and gesturing wildly at her throat.
Errol notices this and says to Mal "Jeez mate, I think that sheila's choking on a prawn !"
As quick as a flash, Mal stands the blonde upright, and in one fluid motion, rips her trousers and knickers down to her ankles. Throwing her across the table, he thrusts his tongue into the cleft of her bum and gives her a big slurp.
Taken aback by this intrusion upon her, the blonde coughs the offending prawn fair across the room !
Errol's amazed !! "Jeez mate" he says. "You're a bloody hero, I reckon you saved that sheila"s life."
Mal is grinning from ear to ear. "Mate", he says, "I've always wanted to perform the Hind Lick Manoeuvre."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Sometimes you just kill me Coastie! Sounds just like a Paul Hogan Show skit. :lol:
 

twocorgis

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coastie99 said:
twocorgis said:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Sometimes you just kill me Coastie! Sounds just like a Paul Hogan Show skit. :lol:

Yeah, you can just imagine that can't you ! :lol: :lol:

Yep. Hoges and the Stropper. Got both the DVDs! :lol:
 

twocorgis

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coastie99 said:
Long before Hoge's, there was this .................

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Advent ... y_McKenzie

Hugely funny !

I never saw that, but the Paul Hogan Show were regular reruns here back in the day. Hugely funny as you say. I had to buy the DVDs in PAL format, and rerip them so I could stream them to the home theater. "Exercises for beer drinkers" made it worth my while all by itself. "Hold it there love, got a crick in me back" :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

coastie99

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twocorgis said:
coastie99 said:
Long before Hoge's, there was this .................

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Advent ... y_McKenzie

Hugely funny !

I never saw that, but the Paul Hogan Show were regular reruns here back in the day. Hugely funny as you say. I had to buy the DVDs in PAL format, and rerip them so I could stream them to the home theater. "Exercises for beer drinkers" made it worth my while all by itself. "Hold it there love, got a crick in me back" :lol: :lol: :lol:

Well Sandy, you'll have to find it somewhere ........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4sjyrmSXOw
 

JerryR

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Re:

coastie99 said:
Ah, unfortunately no, I don't. I'm pretty much a beginner.
I'm waiting for an Oz-tralian member (there must be at least one on here), to come at me with some sheep-shagger jokes. That's how we're unkindly referred to by Oz-tralians.


Oh no :shock: Surely not :!: :!: :!: I just can't believe that :shock: :shock: :shock:

BTW, you might need to explain to the US guys that 'prawns' are the oceanic crustaceans they call 'shrimps' :mrgreen:
 

JerryR

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Re: Re:

coastie99 said:
JerryR said:
coastie99 said:
BTW, you might need to explain to the US guys that 'prawns' are the oceanic crustaceans they call 'shrimps' :mrgreen:

And was anybody wondering how a sheila could be choking on a chess-piece ?? :) :)

Maybe they thought it was Linda Loveless type prawn :twisted: :mrgreen:
 
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