Lost in the Darndest Places

Scratch

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I'm in MSP this week. I don't know what is funnier; this or the fact that they're running Al Franken for congress up here. :? :shock: Burned out bigtime from being on the road all month... back to TX manana.

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
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FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
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'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
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OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
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SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
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DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, dear, am I driving ?'
 

cjd-player

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Scratch said:
back to TX manana.

________________________________________
'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
_______________________________________________________________________

Glad you had a nice vacation, Scratch.

No, it didn't rain here either. :mrgreen:
 

dreadnut

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Old boy visits the doctor, says "Doc, I can't hear anything out of my right ear!"

Doctor takes a look in his ear, says "No wonder, look what I found in your ear: a suppository!"

Old boy says "Huh - I bet I know where my hearing aid is now!" :lol:
 

cjd-player

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An elderly couple go to the doctor.
The man askes for a private moment with the doctor.
During their conversation he says that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing because she seems to ignore him when he speaks to her.
The doc says that when they get home, to call out her name quietly from a nearby room. See how loud you have to call out before she hears you.

So they get home and the man goes to the back bedroom and softly calls his wife's name.
No response.
So he calls out a little louder.
No response.
One more time, a little louder yet.
Still no response.
Finally, he shouts out her name.

The wife comes storming in: "What do you want, I've answered you three times and you just keep ignoring me???"
 
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