There's Nothing Like Holding A Beautiful, Curvaceous Blonde
I saw her from across the room. Immediately I was jealous. Some chump was trying to play her. Sure, I had been checkin’ out some of the other beauties but after her, nothing compared. And this guy that was trying to play her? Poor kid…he was obviously lacking experience. His hands were fumbling around all over the place and her displeasure at this was made obvious by the sounds she was making. She needed a man who knew what he was doing.
“Please don’t let him take you home!”
She was all I could think about.
“God, I swear I will never take another drink of alcohol, swear in front of my mom or laugh at other’s misfortune ever again!”
Ok, I don’t think I could ever give up laughing at other’s misfortune.
So eventually this guy realizes that she isn’t going to be played by a fool like him and takes off.
“Sucka…”
Now, normally I take the slow approach – you know, some eye contact, a shy little smile and some batting of the lashes. But not this time. I knew that I would only have one chance at this. The other predators in the room were definitely sending out the vibe and, although confident in my mojo, I knew I had to get there first.
I strode straight across the room.
“Look confident…smile…shoulders back, head high…hope I don’t have a booger”
Past a number of guys cradling their special gals. Past a number of guys looking for some good lovin’. Even past a homeless guy. I don’t know how he got in – I guess security is pretty lax at 1 in the afternoon on a Sunday.
I decide to be bold. I put my hand right on her hip.
”Wow! She’s got it in all the right places…”
Now let me tell you something: this girl was built! I like ‘em with a little sumthin’, sumthin’ and she certainly didn’t disappoint. Keep those lightweights away, I want some size! Anyway, she didn’t seem to object to my hand resting there, and she was just so smooth that I decided to bring the end-game. I picked her up.
Shortly afterward, we found ourselves on a stool in a corner of the room. She was sitting on my lap making some of the most beautiful noises I had ever heard. I guess you just need to know which strings to pull. Now, I hate public displays of affection (PDA) as much as the next guy, but I have to admit that my hands were all over her (Sorry mom! You know I had to grow up sometime). But everyone else was doing the same thing so we fit right in.
To make a long story short, I took her to the counter, paid in cash and took her home. We’ve been in love ever since.
And that, dear friends, is how I met my Guild JF30-12. Obviously this Love-At-First-Sight relationship started with just that: Sight.
The Looks:
She is my Anna Nicole Smith – big, buxom, and (as I mentioned in the title) blonde. Her top, back and sides are all blonde spruce bound with white plastic. These days it is much more common to have different types of wood on the soundboard and the back and sides, so it is somewhat unique for a guitar to have the same color and grain the whole way around. I really love the way it looks. The wood is obviously high quality and, if you take care of it, will look fantastic for a very long time. The fretboard and bridge are a dark rosewood (pretty standard).
This guitar is made beautiful not only by the materials it is crafted from, but by the shape itself. This thing is BIG…and I like it that way. It has a Jumbo body with a nice, deep waist. And I’ll be damned if that girl ain’t thick! Even the back is visibly convex to create an even larger resonating chamber. She is round all over and once you play her you will know why.
The Sound:
Just like her body, her sound is big. All that extra material and giant body make for a great, deep, rich sound. Sometimes guitars this big can miss part of its range. They might have a weak mid-range or you might lose some of the highs in the cacophony of sound they produce. But not with my baby. You can pull off some nice little riffs (well, “riffs” is a strong word…it is a 12-string after all) in the middle of a fat chord and you will hear it cut through the chord tones without a problem. Granted, this ability will diminish as you play louder and harder, but that is just part of the game, y’all.
Every note is loud and clear…and loud. Before my JF30-12, I was playing an Acoustic Electric Yamaha Thinbody. Don’t get me wrong, that guitar is great for what it is supposed to do, but if you want to fill a room without any sort of amplification, this is the guitar for you…just make sure you are a loud singer!
So what about our arch-nemesis, Fretbuzz? Well, I have yet to play a guitar with absolutely none of that but this comes damn close. I am actually surprised because the action (distance from the strings to the fretboard) is very low. It is barely higher than my electric (electrics usually have a much lower action than acoustics) which is an Ernie Ball Music Man Silhouette Special. Let me tell you something, that axe plays like quicksilver so I was amazed to find action like that on a bigass acoustic 12-string.
So She’s Sexy…But Is She Tough?
You better believe she is. When you pick this beauty up you immediately know that she is built like a tank. The first thing you will notice is that she is really, really heavy (Sorry sweetums! You know I love every pound!) and that the wood is very thick. Some people aren’t into that, but unless you are going to be standing up and playing a 3-4 hour set (I ain’t done that since Red Rocks in ’94) you probably won’t notice it – and even if you do, the sound is worth every pound.
